Projecto NanoWrimo 2009

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Lady Entropy
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Projecto NanoWrimo 2009

Postby Lady Entropy » 01 Nov 2009 01:37

Prelude


This is it.

I remember thinking to myself, feeling the bitter taste of insecurity, in my mouth. This is where it all ends, where we finally clash.

Unstoppable force meet unmoving object.

It was surprising how it hadn't happened sooner, and not by lack of us trying. We were similar and so very different in so many ways. But in the end, we were what we were.

We were warriors, killers, avengers, protectors, assassins.

I could see myself in some of her gestures, a strange, almost obscene reflection of myself. Maybe we were the same, each of us a twisted reflex of the other. Maybe she had been right. Maybe we did belong together, and maybe we were soulmates.

But now it was too late to go back.

She was the best there was in our generation, and everyone acknowledged her as so. That was her first mistake – because it's the quiet ones you have to be careful with. I did not have her pedigree, but I had a fine training in surviving. And survival instinct is a mighty and terrible thing, indeed.

Together, we split the skies asunder, and fire fell from the heavens. Lightning arched around us and the world threatened to shift off its axis. If there was a glorious way to leave this world, this was it, among a storm of thunder and flames.

I scream, but I cannot hear myself.

I can, however, hear the song of the spheres as my will changes reality.

This is it.

This is the end.

This is it.

This is the beginning.
"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

— Audrey Hepburn

urukai
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Re: Projecto NanoWrimo 2009

Postby urukai » 10 Nov 2009 01:17

Olá,

em termos do enredo pouco há a comentar apenas de que é um prelúdio curto e vago/confuso mas penso que fosse esse o objectivo.

Quanto à forma a única coisa que me saltou à vista foram algumas das vírgulas que usaste e me quebraram o ritmo de leitura, exemplos:

I remember thinking to myself, feeling the bitter taste of insecurity, in my mouth.

She was the best there was in our generation, and everyone acknowledged her as so.

I scream, but I cannot hear myself.

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Lady Entropy
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Re: Projecto NanoWrimo 2009

Postby Lady Entropy » 10 Nov 2009 20:06

Eu aparentemente não consigo começar a escrever logo "decentemente". Como escrevo sem uma história até chegar ao Nano, estou a inventar muito na hora, e estava um pouco a "rabiscar ideias" com este prólogo. Não faz certamente muito sentido, mas pelo menos deu-me um certo objectivo que foi escrever uma história que levasse até este prelúdio.

Depois, outra coisa que aconselham no NaNo e eu consigo seguir muito bem (ao contrário de muita gente) é "desligar o editor". Ou seja, escrevo ao correr da pena, ignorando erros, estilo e gramática. Realmente, não devia haver uma vírgula a seguir a insecurity.

No entanto, as outras vírgulas estão colocadas correctamente de acordo com regras gramaticais (primeiro caso, sem virgula ficava uma lista de coisas) e estilísticas (segundo caso, para causar uma pausa notável).

A parte que mais odeio é como uso "world" duas vezes quases seguidas. Faz-me uma espécie que não imaginam.
"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

— Audrey Hepburn

urukai
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Re: Projecto NanoWrimo 2009

Postby urukai » 10 Nov 2009 20:35

Atenção que eu não critiquei o uso das vírgulas numa perspectiva gramatical (que como sabemos é daquelas regras que muitos autores sodomizam a torto e a direito, assim de repente, lembro-me de uma festa BDSM com o Saramago, o Bolano e uma multidão de vírgulas amarradas nos sítios mais descabidos...), a minha questão prende-se com o facto de a posição que escolheste para as mesmas ter afectado o meu ritmo de leitura e entrosamento com o texto.

Quanto ao resto vou então coibir-me de ler os teus posts do Nano pois para textos não revistos e inacabados já me chegam os meus! :tongue: :sad: :biggrin:

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Lady Entropy
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Re: Projecto NanoWrimo 2009

Postby Lady Entropy » 10 Nov 2009 23:44

Olha que o projecto do ano passado está limpinho (pronto, se não apresentável, pelo menos aceitável), por isso podes ler sem medo. Muito medo, pelo menos.
"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

— Audrey Hepburn


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